


Phoenix

by forgetme



Category: Naruto
Genre: First Kiss, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, M/M, Regret, Resurrection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-28
Updated: 2013-02-28
Packaged: 2017-12-03 21:25:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/702794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/forgetme/pseuds/forgetme
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kakashi comes back to life. It takes a while.</p><p>(takes place after chapter 450)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Phoenix

**Author's Note:**

> I may have messed up the canon timeline a little.

_Heavy footsteps behind him, rhythmic thudding too loud to come from anything human, sounding like the earth was going to split apart beneath him; he could feel the vibration humming in his bones–_

Kakashi’s eye snapped open. He blinked into the sunlight that filtered through the vibrantly green leaves above him, and rubbed his eye with one gloved hand that smelled of mud and dried blood. Crusty brown half-moons under his fingernails, no doubt.

The other eye, Obito’s, hidden under his headband, he didn’t dare touch. Still it was aching faintly. A constant throb like his blood had to force itself through the vessels Rin had expertly attached years ago.

The hammering hadn’t subsided, but now he recognized it for what it was: construction noise.

Kakashi sat up, bracing himself with both hands, his fingers digging into the pliant earth, and looked around.

Left and right shinobi were strewn across the forest like the fallen from a massive battle.

They were alive, though, some sleeping, some awake and chatting, some lying, some sitting, some standing or in the process of getting up.

While Kakashi brushed a few stray leaves out of his hair, he scanned his surroundings, searching for a certain someone.

He saw Tenzo, fast asleep, half- curled around a tattered blanket under an oak a few feet away.

The day before when everything had still been too fresh to process, when people had been too relieved and too busy celebrating their hero to fully understand the situation and the consequences of the battle, Tenzo had used his jutsu to create shelter for the civilians and children. It was no wonder he was exhausted now.

Kakashi approached his kohai quietly, took the blanket from his unresisting fingers and covered him with it. There’d be more work waiting for Tenzo, no doubt.

The person he was actually looking for, though, was nowhere to be seen. Kakashi felt disappointment settle in the pit of his stomach. Again.

The night before, they hadn’t even had time to talk.

If nothing else, Kakashi had hoped to con Gai out of his sleeping bag --he wouldn’t have been above playing the “I sacrificed my life for the village”-card to accomplish this goal, either-- but, in the end, the sleeping bag had gone to Kurenai, who really did need it more.

Other things from team Gai’s backpacks had been swiftly distributed to the needy, mostly to kids. Kakashi himself got nothing, and, like everyone else who wasn’t sick, injured, pregnant or under the age of four, he’d slept in the forest, under the stars, his rolled up vest serving as a pillow, his possessions reduced to the clothes he was wearing, the clothes he had died in.

At least his first night back among the living had been mild and dry.

Small mercies.

* * *

 

A little dazed still, Kakashi wandered out of the forest and into the crater that, just one day ago, had been Konoha, the Hidden Leaf village, now nothing more than piles of rubble.

Then again, people were already hard at work, clearing away said rubble and building scaffolds, hammering and sawing and yelling at the top of their voices.

An auditory onslaught of epic proportions.

Tents, too, had been erected at the edge of the crater. He remembered that Homura-san had requested them at the previous night’s impromptu gathering. Messengers had been dispatched immediately, to Suna, Tarakura and Tanzaku.

You could say what you wanted about Konoha’s elders, but they knew how to handle a crisis. They’d lived through their fair share of them, after all.

This one, however…

Kakashi let his gaze traverse the ruins of his home village until it latched onto the small canvas tent next to the big one that currently served as Konoha’s hospital.

Tsunade-sama was in there. An ANBU squad had brought her there on a stretcher; she’d been unconscious and, from what he’d overheard on his way through the forest, she was still in a coma.

Inside the tent, Shizune would be, hovering over her master. Waiting, hoping.

And still, Gai was nowhere to be found. Kakashi looked around once more, searching for that flash of green among the brown of mud and dirt. Nothing.

People pushed past, bustling busily, some shoving at him, annoyed with the useless shinobi who was standing around, doing nothing but blocking their path.  

Unlike Gai.

Being one of the few who hadn’t fought Pain, Gai had actually volunteered to take the trip to Tarakura. Kakashi would have expected him to be back by now, but then he might have already left the village again on another errand. He’d be around somewhere, probably running himself ragged helping out wherever he could.

As opposed to Kakashi, who was happy to let others do the rebuilding for him. He had no jutsu or skills that would be helpful in that regard, and, due to his reputation, people tended to leave him alone. Plus, maybe the tale of his noble sacrifice had made the rounds.

Heroes were not expected to clear away rubble or lift a hammer.

Not that Naruto cared. He, too, was in all likelihood already looking for work.

Feeling oddly detached from the people around him, Kakashi strolled through the construction site that used to be Konoha.

He passed Ebisu, who seemed to be deadlocked with an older gentleman wielding a map and blueprints. The two men were shouting at each other. As he quickly ducked away – Ebisu had a habit of reeling people into his arguments – he only caught the older man yelling, “Look here, four-eyes, are you an architect? Do you know the first thing about architecture? No? Then why don’t you just SHUT UP?!”

Kakashi grimaced under his mask and, eager to put some distance between himself and the two, pushed past a group of gawking young boys.

He caught sight of Tenten then. She was sitting on the ground a bit further ahead, hunched over an open scroll, which was several feet long, on which hundreds of tools, hammers, nails, screwdrivers and other tools whose name he didn’t even know and would probably forget within the hour if he were told, lay in one neat row.

He wondered whether he should go over and simply ask her about the rest of her team, but she looked about ready to pass out. One of the workers, a scruffy middle aged man, had to put a hand on her shoulder to keep her from keeling over.

“Good job, little girl,” he said, and Kakashi could see a flash in the kunoichi’s eyes as she raised her head and brushed a strand of hair out of her face.

The “ _thanks”_ she uttered was somewhat terse but tinged with pride.

Well, that explained where all the supplies had come from so quickly. She had probably been doing this all night. With a jutsu like that the village needed her now more than ever.

Kakashi decided to leave her alone for now and moved on, letting his feet carry him without thinking. He had no destination in mind, no place to go.

* * *

 

It might have been force of habit that brought him to his old apartment complex or, better, the hole in the ground that used to be his apartment complex.

No, _hole_ was giving it far too much credit; it was a ditch at best, and a shallow one at that.

Well, it looked like he wouldn’t have to worry about housework for a while… or watering his plant.

There was nothing left, a few bricks, a shattered piece of wood that might have been a table leg once, and that was it. Not that he was surprised exactly, but, still, actually seeing the windswept bare spot of earth where his building had stood, the building he’d lived in for years, more than a decade, where he’d spent a significant part of his life, not to mention where he’d kept all his worldly possessions– it _was_ somewhat overwhelming. He felt a little like a part of himself had been wiped out with his home.

Gone.

In a second.

Just like that.

Feeling vaguely unsettled, Kakashi kicked a small stone into the ditch and watched it roll to a halt where, a few now nonexistent floors above, his kitchen sink had been, and began compiling a mental list of his losses.

It was pretty short.

His clothes, mostly Konoha’s standard shinobi uniforms, plus one green spandex suit courtesy of Gai, never worn, an assortment of weapons, for the most part kunai and shuriken, a few scrolls, some dishes, cups and bowls, his trusty old rice cooker, what little furniture he’d had – his bed being the one piece he’d actually miss – an expensive bottle of saké he’d been saving for a special occasion, Icha Icha Paradise and Violence… and the photos.

His Genin team photos, the one with Naruto, Sakura and Sasuke and the one with Minato-sensei, Rin and Obito.

They were gone for good.

But they were just things. Considering what else they’d almost lost, the loss of mere _things_ was a small, meaningless event, not even worth a footnote in Konoha’s history.

Kakashi stood, staring at the dirt in front of him. Maybe it wasn’t too late, maybe if he dug around a little –

He didn’t have time to finish the thought.

“Kakashi-san!” The messenger nin appeared in front of him within the blink of an eye. “The elders request the presence of all jounin. The assembly is to take place in their tent in an hour.”

And with that he was gone, just as quickly as he had shown up, probably already tracking down his next target.

* * *

 

When Kakashi arrived, a small group of jounin had already gathered in front of the tent’s entrance, some chatting, some simply waiting in stoic silence.

A bit further away, he spotted Shikaku, leaning against a tree, arms folded. As usual, Inoichi and Chouza were with him, and the three of them seemed to be so completely immersed in their conversation that Kakashi managed to slip past with only the tiniest nod of greeting.

Seeing Chouza-san… There was something faintly disturbing about it.

Kakashi joined the trickle of shinobi approaching the tent and was too lost in his own thoughts to pay much attention to the many conversations going on next to him when, out of nowhere, someone grabbed his shoulder from behind, spinning him around almost hard enough to give him vertigo.

“Rival,” Gai bellowed right into his face and Kakashi braced himself for a hug that never came. Instead, Gai literally held him at arm’s length, one hand planted on each of Kakashi’s shoulders. “It’s been a while!”

It hadn’t, not really. They had seen each other less than a day ago, but they hadn’t had any time to talk and that probably made it feel longer. The last time they’d had a moment. Well, that had been more than a week ago, before Gai and his team had left for their mission.

It felt like a lifetime had passed since then.

But Gai looked good, healthy, alive, his hair tousled by the breeze, cheeks rosy, breath still a little fast. He had been running, most likely hurrying back from some errand or other.

“Gai,” Kakashi said simply. There was a lot more he wanted to say, needed to say, but this was neither the time nor the place.

Ebisu and Genma, who, as he only now realized, had trailed right behind Gai, nodded their greetings.

“Work wherever you look, huh?” Genma made a sweeping gesture that seemed to encompass everything from the forest to the crater to the, thankfully mostly undamaged, Hokage Mountain.

“Indeed, and even if I never have to talk to another imbecilic so-called _architect_ again, it will still be too soon,” Ebisu answered as if he and not Kakashi had been addressed.

“I’m pretty sure the feeling’s mutual,” Genma said.

“I was trying to help!” Ebisu’s voice was steadily approaching a fingernails-on-chalkboard kind of quality, and if Kakashi had in fact needed a reminder why exactly Gai’s original squad had been disbanded unusually early, this would have served the purpose well. As it was, it was just annoying.

“Next time, try harder,”  Genma sighed, transferring his senbon from one corner of his mouth to the other. “Or, better yet, don’t try at all. That way you might not end up getting lynched by an angry mob.”

“Why, you—“

Gai, who’d let go of Kakashi during that little exchange, swiftly turned around and inserted himself into the space between his two former team mates, slinging one arm around each of them. “This is no time to fight amongst ourselves, you two! Only if we stand together as one and unite our passionate efforts—“

Genma and Ebisu quickly united their passionate efforts by both glaring and trying to use their combined strength to push him away. It was somewhat amusing to watch.

“Reliving your genin days?” Apparently, there was something offensive in the way Kakashi posed the question because it earned him matching glares from all three.

“As if. We just ran into each other on the way here.”

“Speaking of genin,” Ebisu mused, “is Naruto-kun coming?”

“Jounin only is what the messenger said,” Kakashi answered. Come to think of it, he hadn’t even seen Naruto all morning.

“Huh, you’d think they’d invite the village _savior_ ,” Genma said.

No, they wouldn’t, and neither Kakashi, nor, judging from the look on their faces, any of the others was really surprised by that.

* * *

 

When they entered, the tent was already crowded. People kept pushing in from behind, jostling the ones in front who had formed a half-circle around Homura-sama and Koharu-sama.

From where he stood, jammed between Gai and Genma, Kakashi had a hard time seeing more than the backs of the people in front of him; he did catch glimpses of Kurenai and Shizune, though, which surprised him since he hadn’t expected either of them to show up, what with Tsunade still unconscious and Kurenai probably only days from her due date.

Naturally, Gai immediately pushed forward to talk to them, but Kakashi stayed where he was. He’d heard about what had happened to Shizune and had no desire to compare notes on the experience. Maybe she’d gone through something similar to him, but still he didn’t want to talk about it.

So far, he hadn’t told anyone about his talk with his father, mostly because there was only one person he wanted to tell, and he hadn’t had a minute alone with _him_ yet.

* * *

 

_Kakashi was in the middle of recounting one of Gai’s more… eccentric antics when it dawned on him, quick and sudden like a punch in the gut that drove the air right out of your lungs._

_That was it. He’d never see Gai again._

_Not alive, at least._

_And Gai was on his way to Konoha right now. If he faced Pain—_

_Kakashi had stopped dead in the middle of his sentence, possible scenarios playing out before his mind’s eye. He was staring into the fire, transfixed, and saw his best friend dying over and over. There was no way—_

_“Kakashi?” His father’s voice barely registered._

He’ll open the eighth gate.

If I had fought harder, if I—

 _And the funny thing was that he’d been almost relieved to let go. He’d been okay with it._ Naruto, Sakura, Sasuke, it’s up to you now, _he’d thought._ Naruto will find a way.

_“He’ll die.”Kakashi said, more to himself than his father. Saying it out loud did not make it any easier to accept. He’d let Gai down._

_“It’s out of your hands now, son. There’s nothing you can do.”_

_Kakashi looked up into his father’s eyes. The fire was reflected in them, flickering, more alive than the two men sitting around it. Anyway, he’d missed them, the warmth in them; he’d missed having a dad and being able to talk to him._

_“I should have—“_

_“You can’t blame yourself. You gave your_ life _. No one could have asked for more.” A father’s kind words; his hand on Kakashi’s shoulder a ghostly touch, but still, it was there. Did that mean he’d done enough, though?_

_Kakashi shook his head. “I didn’t defeat him. The village is in ruins.”_

And if Gai gets there before Naruto does, he’ll die. He’ll fight and he’ll die.

* * *

 

The meeting lasted just long enough for Kakashi’s legs to fall asleep. Like most of the others, he’d made the mistake to sit down on the ground, and now it felt like the numbness from his legs was slowly spreading throughout his whole body.

He listened abjectly to Koharu-sama reciting a long list of tasks that needed to be carried out within the next twenty-four hours, and didn’t raise his hand when she asked for volunteers. There were enough volunteers anyway, and Kakashi felt strangely detached, like he was watching a play, a scene from someone else’s life that had very little to do with him.

“Rations will be distributed three times a day; tents are issued to civilian families first. At this point, we do not have enough for each of you to get their own, so you will have to share. These are trying times, but we have been through worse and we will get through this as well,” Koharu-sama rattled off the last few points on her agenda while, next to her, Homura-sama frowned, his gaze scanning the rows of shinobi.

Kakashi looked down at his numb thighs. He could feel the elder’s eyes resting on him for long a moment.  

“There will be another assembly tomorrow, regarding mission schedules… and the Hokage,” Homura-sama said gravely.

 _Ah,_ Kakashi thought, _that._

It was early, but then the general consensus was that Sandaime had waited too long after the Fourth’s death. Tsunade-sama wasn’t dead – yet – but she was out of commission; with the village in its current state, well, it was more vulnerable than it had ever been, and it desperately needed a leader.

_Still…_

“You are dismissed.”

Kakashi got to his feet, trying to ignore the pins and needles in his legs, and slowly made his way to the exit, the stream of people around him pushing him along. He felt like driftwood being carried by the current, like an object without will.

Outside, he had to shield his eye against the achingly bright sunlight that seemed to stab at him through the leaves. It had to be around noon already; rations would be distributed in a couple of hours, not that Kakashi was particularly hungry.

He stepped into the shadow of the forest, away from the tent, but only about ten meters.

Gai hadn’t been among the shinobi filtering out of the tent with Kakashi, and Kakashi’s mind was set on not leaving without having spoken to him. No doubt, he’d be off soon anyway, on one of the missions he’d eagerly volunteered for. Who knew when they’d get another chance to talk.

Plus, Kakashi figured the sooner he asked Gai to be his tent-buddy, the better – not that he could think of many other people who would be eager to share a tent with Konoha’s over-enthusiastic training-fanatic…

Gai would probably ask him first anyway.

As he watched the last few stragglers trickle out of the tent – Gai not among them – he heard a woman’s voice coming from behind the thin canvas rise over the general murmur of conversation. Although Kakashi couldn’t make out what she was saying, he could definitely tell that she was distressed, angry, her voice delivering a sharp, accusing volley of words, almost a bark.

But there was no reply, at least not one loud enough for him to hear, and moments later the tent flap was thrown open and Shizune stormed out, her face as white as a sheet, lips pressed together as if she had to actively keep her rage from spilling out.

She barely even looked at him, and when her gaze did land on his body, it seemed like she wasn’t seeing him at all. Like he was a ghost, not really there at all; she was looking right through him.  

Shizune brushed past Kakashi, the edge of one of her wide sleeves grazing his arm, and when she left his field of vision, he saw that Kurenai and Gai had come out of the tent behind her.

“Shizune!” Gai called as he, too, ran past Kakashi without so much as a glance to catch up to her.

Kurenai was slower, moving around with one hand cupping her belly protectively. She gave Kakashi a weak smile that didn’t really reach her eyes, then she walked over to Shizune and Gai, who had stopped a few feet away.

Kakashi found himself watching them intently. He didn’t approach, didn’t feel like this was anything he was supposed to get involved in. He was waiting for Gai, that was all. Besides, he knew what this was about.

“They have no right.” Shizune’s voice broke on the last word. She was wrong, too. She knew very well that they had every right, but grief wasn’t known for making people more rational.

Kakashi leaned back against the tree and dispassionately continued to watch the scene unfold. Kurenai had caught up to Gai and Shizune; she said something in a voice that was too soft for Kakashi to understand, but he did notice that one of Gai’s hands was wrapped around Shizune’s wrists, and that, although anguish was written all over her face and she’d tried to storm off before, she wasn’t doing anything to free herself from his grip now.

“They were always against her…”

_And you were always the one trying to mediate between her and them._

To Kakashi’s surprise, Gai didn’t say anything, no booming speech to raise Shizune’s spirits, instead he simply pulled her into a hug, and Shizune let him, even buried her face in his chest as Gai wrapped his arms around her.

Kurenai was patting Shizune’s back, Gai was holding her, and Kakashi, Kakashi felt a pang of strange, misplaced annoyance at the sight of the three, standing there, bathed into golden sunlight, speckled in an irregular pattern painted by the shadows of the leaves above them.

Kakashi shoved his hands into his pockets and turned away sharply, barely catching the – guilty? - glance Gai shot in his general direction. It didn’t stop him; he never looked back.

* * *

 

The dominating color in the village crater was rapidly becoming orange. Orange jumpsuits everywhere you looked.

His hands still firmly lodged in his pockets, his mind blissfully blank, Kakashi watched the clones run around, hammering, pulling, pushing, carrying, lifting, working.

 And smiling.

“Oi, Kakashi-sensei!” There was the original then. Naruto came running, one hand raised in greeting, his face, as usual, split into a wide grin.

“Yo,” Kakashi gave the customary lazy half-wave and stopped to wait for his student.

“Any missions?” It was good to see that despite everything, despite how exhausted he still had to be, Naruto had not lost his over-eagerness.

“No, and yet you seem pretty busy already.”

“Just helping out.” Naruto actually blushed at that, and scratched the back of his head sheepishly. “Old Teuchi-san needs a new ramen shop, you know?”

“Ah, that explains that then.”

“Anyway, I was thinking that if there’s nothing else to do, I could go and get him some ingredients, too.” Naruto’s grin widened. “It’d be a mission.”

“For ramen?”

“Yeah, we’re short on food! And what would be better than ramen?” He punched the air. “To get everybody’s spirits up!”

Just looking at him made Kakashi feel old and tired. “Sounds like a good idea,” he said, wondering what the elders would have said to Naruto’s plan.

Naruto, though, was oblivious to that sort of thing. Politics didn’t concern him one bit. “I’ll ask Sakura-chan to come, too,” he declared cheerfully.

Kakashi smiled. “You do that.”

“What about you?”

“Sorry, I’ll pass on this one.”

Naruto shrugged, “It’s not a big mission anyway, but, hey, tasty ramen!”

“I’ll look forward to that then.”

“Ah, there’s Yamato-taicho! I’ll go ask him!”

Naruto ran off, waving goodbye over his shoulder, already calling, “Oi, Yamato-taicho!” and Kakashi was left standing in the ruins, reflecting on the shadows he’d thought he’d seen cross Naruto’s face during their brief conversation.

* * *

 

“Who’s your tent-buddy?” Izumo’s pencil hovered expectantly over the piece of paper pinned to his clipboard.

Kakashi sighed. “Who’s left?” He eyed the stack of crates behind Izumo’s little folding table. Not many left; he hoped that meant the others had just been faster than him.

Unceremoniously, Izumo held the clipboard out to him so he could scan the neat rows of ninja registration numbers. To his surprise and annoyance, Gai’s was crossed out, and it occurred to him that he didn’t know Shizune’s. Not that it mattered.

After some consideration, Kakashi tapped the sequence that was almost as familiar to him as his own registration number.

Izumo flipped the clipboard and quickly crossed out the numbers he’d indicated, his pencil almost slashing across the paper.

“And here’s your tent,” Izumo said, holding out a bundle of dark green canvas with a shop-assistant-smile that Kakashi found somewhat eerie.

“Sleeping bags?”

“Sorry, we’re out,” Izumo said sadly, only to perk up a second later. “But a bunch of kids found a futon hanging in a tree somewhere in the forest; I’m sure they can tell you where it is if you want it. It is torn in half, though.”

“Thanks, but _no_ thanks.” Kakashi grabbed his tent and set off into the forest, casting his eyes up every few meters just to make sure there was nothing suspicious up there.

* * *

 

His tent-buddy showed up just after he’d finished setting up camp.

“A polite person would have asked before deciding that we were going to share tents.” Tenzo eyed Kakashi’s construction critically, then sat down in front of it, placing the large bundle he’d been carrying on the mossy ground. He looked more exhausted than Kakashi could remember ever seeing him, not even after that three week ANBU mission that they’d spent chasing a missing nin through the Desert of the Wind.

“But what if my _favorite_ kohai had said no?” Kakashi dramatically pressed a hand to his chest, over his beating heart. “How could I have handled that? It would have broken my heart, Tenzo.” He shook his head. “I simply didn’t dare.”

“You simply didn’t _care_.” Tenzo let out a long, defeated sigh. “Very funny, sempai.”  With nimble fingers he unwrapped the bundle at his feet, producing two bottles of water and a small lunchbox, but Kakashi was more interested in the erstwhile wrapping.

“Are those blankets?”

“Yes, they just got in. I also brought drinking water and your evening rations, rice and tamagoyaki, leftovers from lunch.”

Kakashi pulled one of the blankets out of Tenzo’s loose grasp. He wasn’t interested in another serving of the blandest food ever cooked.  “Thanks, but I’m not that hungry.”

“Eat it anyway.” Tenzo’s voice was uncharacteristically dark and gravelly; he sounded more like an ANBU captain and a lot less like the kid that, a long time ago, had been Kakashi’s subordinate.

Still, some habits were hard to break.

“That’s a very rude way to talk to your elders, Tenzo-kun,” he teased. “I’m terribly shocked.”

Tenzo seemed to deflate at that, as if he had reached his limit, his shoulders sagging. “And I’m terribly tired, sempai,” he said.

Seeing him like that, utterly exhausted from giving his all to rebuild the village, to help, it made Kakashi feel incredibly touched – proud, even.

 _Knowing you’d still be here,_ he thought, _that made it a lot easier…_

Kakashi reached over and squeezed Tenzo’s shoulder, not saying anything, knowing he didn’t have to, and if Tenzo murmured something like “I’m glad you came back, sempai” in response, he pretended not to hear it.

* * *

 

Breakfast was tamagoyaki and rice _again._ It made Kakashi actively long for Naruto’s successful return from his mission. Ramen wasn’t his favorite, but he had reached a point where everything was more appealing than tamagoyaki and rice, even Gai’s curry.

_Speaking of which…_

No, there was no sign of him, just like there hadn’t been at lunch the previous day. It was almost as if Gai was avoiding him. Or maybe he was busy.

_Gai’s tanned fingers wrapped around Shizune’s pale wrist._

Kakashi plopped down on the ground and began to eat his tasteless meal. He could smell the forest around him, but, more overpoweringly, he could smell the people. They all stank. Of sweat and dirt, some even of blood. None of them had changed their clothes or washed for days, and although Kakashi knew he was no less smelly than them, he was certainly more sensitive to the omnipresent odor.

He forced down the food regardless, trying not to smell, trying not to think about certain people. He didn’t know what he felt anymore, whether he felt anything at all.

Dying had been easy.

Living was much harder.

* * *

 

After a short stroll through the still surprisingly empty construction site, Kakashi returned to his tent, which he’d set up a little farther from the village than most of the others had -- not that it helped with the noise or the smell, but at least it made Kakashi feel like he had tried.

He found it exactly the way he’d left it, as if not even a tiny breeze had stirred the dead leaves lying on the ground in front of its entrance.

_Almost too perfect._

Kakashi crept in carefully, not sure what he was expecting. An attack? Considering the state of the village it seemed… redundant at this point. But a shinobi could never be sure, could never be safe, and he trusted his instincts.

Inside, the tent was dim, the only light coming from the open tent flap behind him, just enough to illuminate the outline of a body in the corner. A sleeping body.

Apparently, Tenzo had yet to wake up.

But there was something else. Kakashi approached the place where he had slept. Something lay on top of his blanket.

He crouched down and examined the small squares of paper someone had stacked neatly on the fabric.

Then he swallowed against the sudden lump in his throat.

Kakashi picked up the photos hesitantly; he was almost afraid they would crumble in his hands, turn to dust and be lost forever.

They didn’t.

Without making a sound, he slipped outside and looked at them in the early rays of sunlight that were peeking through the trees.

His pictures. They were a little worse for wear, the frames were gone, of course, undoubtedly smashed to bits, but the photos were more or less okay. A little bit crumpled, maybe. The one with his sensei and Obito and Rin had a missing corner and a dark smear on the back and the one with Team Seven had a tear that someone had carefully scotch-taped over.

Lovingly, Kakashi traced the smooth strip of plastic with his thumb, feeling his heart thumping in his chest.

_Someone…_

Kakashi gently slipped the photos into his vest pocket and ducked back into the tent, where, finally, Tenzo was beginning to stir.

“Would you mind if I moved?” Kakashi asked the Tenzo-shaped lump in the corner.

“Where?” came the muffled reply.

“Another tent.”

“Why are you even asking me?” Poor Tenzo sounded suspicious, as if he was expecting this to be some kind of elaborate trick question. It made Kakashi wonder what he’d ever done to make his kohai so distrustful of him.

 Well, there might have been a few things, actually.

“Maybe I don’t want to risk hurting my little kohai’s tender feelings,” he said innocently.

“No risk; feel free to leave any time.” Had he not still been curled up under his blanket, Kakashi expected Tenzo would have illustrated his heartless words with an elaborate shooing gesture. Using their wood jutsu all day everyday to exhaustion seemed to really bring out the grouchiness in _some_ people.

 “Ouch,” he said, mock-hurt, smiling as he left the way he’d come.

* * *

 

He’d barely even left the tent when he realized that something about the atmosphere around him felt decidedly different. Lighter somehow. In the distance, he could hear laughter and the steady murmur of conversation.

Construction noise was still prevalent, but there was something else, too.

Kakashi stepped closer to the edge of the village, curious. A tall scaffold was being erected; the foundation work for the new Hokage tower was apparently already complete.

He walked into the village, noting the progress now that people were back at work, the dedication and optimism that seemed to fuel the workers, and felt that some of it was actually starting to affect him, to lift his spirits as well.   

All he needed now was to see Gai.

And just as he was thinking this, he felt a familiar chakra signature getting closer. It wasn’t Gai, though.

Anko gracefully hopped over a beam two young men were carrying between themselves, and clapped a hand on his shoulder, something Kakashi had come to expect from Gai, but not many of the other jounin.

“Hey, Kakashi, you haven’t heard the news yet, have you?” She was smirking, seemingly quite pleased to be the bearer of whatever news she was bringing. “Kurenai had her baby last night.”

For a second, he didn’t know what to do with this information. “She did?”

“Yup, it’s a girl. Healthy, I’m told. Ten fingers, ten toes, the works,” her smirk turned into a smile, a wistful one. “Asuma’s a dad.”

Unconsciously, Kakashi mimicked her expression. He hadn’t thought about Asuma in a while. With his own death, the deaths of others had lost some of their impact, but, unlike him, Asuma was still gone, and, also unlike him, he had left something in this world; he had not been too much of a coward to open his heart to the person he loved.

“Anyway, I’m just warning you now; you’re going to have to make an appearance. Ebisu’s already there, of course, crying, blathering on about legacies, that kinda thing. Gai ran off to Tanzaku, getting baby stuff, never mind that the kid’s not the only baby in the village and we already got some supplies. I mean I get it, hearing about a woman giving birth kind of makes you men want to do _something_ , doesn’t it? Just so you don’t feel _completely_ useless.” During her rant, Anko’s wolfish grin had returned with a vengeance. She slapped his shoulder once more for good measure and took off, presumably to spread the news, leaving Kakashi to look after her, unsure what to do next.

Until he realized that Anko had given him more crucial information than she probably thought she had.

He put a hand on his vest over his heart and, through the fabric, felt the soft crinkle of paper.

* * *

 

_“Don’t worry, Kakashi. You’ll see your friend again. Some bonds are stronger than death.”_

_“I know, Dad, but—“ And in that moment he didn’t know what he wanted. For Gai to live a long and happy life? That would mean he’d have to wait for who knew how long. An eternity, maybe._

_Or for Gai to face Pain and die, so they could meet again? Could he really hope for Gai’s death?_

_Kakashi’s insides hurt – insides he didn’t even have anymore. His heart, wasn’t that gone? He was just a spirit now, there was no substance to him, but the peace and tranquility he’d felt before were almost gone. He knew what he wanted: another chance, the impossible._

_“It won’t be the same, will it?” His father’s hand felt lighter than he remembered, warm but more like the memory of warmth than the reality of it. The sadness in his dad’s eyes answered every question he could have asked._

_Kakashi looked into the dancing flames; resignation settled where his heart had once beaten. It was almost the same as acceptance._

_Almost._

What’s one more regret?

Everything.

* * *

 

Kakashi stood at the top of the Hokage Mountain. He knew Gai would come here sooner or later. Gai loved his shortcuts and whenever he went to Tanzaku, he cut across the mountain because it was quicker and more ʻchallengingʼ, as he liked to call it.

Thankfully, the place was completely deserted. Everyone seemed to be either down in the village or away on a mission. Kakashi could only hope it would stay that way. In his experience, most people didn’t use this route much, preferring the actual roads and paths that lead in and out of the village.

It was quiet, peaceful, and for the first time since he’d woken up on the battlefield, he felt like he had all the time in the world, so he sat down on the ground and looked up into the clear blue sky. Another mercifully sunny day was slowly coming to an end.

He’d spent hours wandering the village aimlessly, just killing time. He’d heard Homura-sama announce that the assembly regarding the Hokage was postponed; he’d passed by Sakura and Ino sitting on crates, sharing their rations; he’d seen Koharu-sama come out of the big medical tent, cradling an infant, looking up at the face of the Third, smiling.

Kakashi lay back on the grass and waited.

* * *

 

He didn’t know how long exactly he had been watching the puffy white clouds hang above him when he was startled out of his trance by a faint vibration of the ground beneath him.

Footsteps.

Kakashi had just enough time to jump to his feet and brush a few errant blades of grass off his pants before he saw the rapidly approaching green figure and the cloud of dust it was trailing appear on the horizon.

This was it then. The moment he’d been waiting for.

And when Gai came to a skidding, flailing halt just centimeters from him, Kakashi didn’t even bat an eye. He smiled instead,  a genuine smile hidden under the by now stiff and crusty fabric of his mask that chafed against his lips.

“Kakashi!” Gai’s eyes were wide with surprise if not shock; he needed a moment just to catch his breath again, and to set his huge pack down on the ground. “What are you doing up here?”

“I was waiting for you,” Kakashi said, and watched Gai frown in confusion. “I wanted to thank you,” he clarified, “for the photos.” _Among other things._ “I thought there was no way they could have survived the blast. How did you even find them?”

Gai’s face-splitting grin did funny things to Kakashi’s insides. Just seeing it made him feel slightly giddy. It didn’t help that the sun was sinking behind Gai, giving him that ridiculous dramatic glow. Gai had always had a sense for scenery and timing.

“You can find anything if you look hard enough, rival!” he declared, hands on his hips. “You shouldn’t have given up so easily!”

The words hit Kakashi like a bucket of water; he knew Gai hadn’t been referring to _that;_ hadn’t even thought of it at all, that was clear from the way his expression changed now, now that it had dawned on him, too, a little late, always a step behind Kakashi as usual, but as Kakashi tried very hard not to feel the prick to his ego, Gai cringed visibly.

“Kakashi—“

“Look—“

They’d talked over each other, both trying to get something out, both stopping abruptly when they realized that the other wanted to say something as well. Kakashi shook his head as if to clear it. His heart was pounding, but he could wait. “You first,” he said.

To his surprise, Gai took a big step back, away from him. A gentle breeze stirred his hair, sending ripples through the immaculate bowl cut. Kakashi noticed that Gai’s hands were balled to fists at his sides. He was rigid with contrition and his jaw was set as if to bite back pain.

And then Gai bowed, stiffly and formally, at a ninety degree angle, his back completely straight.

“Forgive me,” Gai said, his voice strong but nowhere near its usual booming qualities. Kakashi found himself thinking of that guilty glance, of Gai’s suspicious absence, of scotch-tape applied to torn paper.  “I wasn’t there when Konoha needed me; when _you_ needed me. I let you down, Eternal Rival, and there is no excuse for that.”

Kakashi’s heart broke a little. He’d wallowed in his pain, his regrets, his detachment, he hadn’t thought about how Gai might have felt, coming back to Konoha and finding the village already in ruins and him gone.

“Don’t apologize,” Kakashi said gently. He wanted to go to Gai, to put a hand on his shoulder and pull him up, but he didn’t. Right now, the distance between them was good; it served as a reminder. “I was glad. That was the only thing... I was glad you weren’t there.”

Gai’s head snapped up at that, he was always quick to misunderstand and be offended; it only made Kakashi’s smile widen. He’d missed Gai. He’d only been gone for a few hours, but he’d missed him. A lot.

Finally, Gai straightened, the expression on his face still somewhat wary, brows furrowed in confusion.

Kakashi walked up to him and put a hand on his shoulder. It felt good, just to touch him again, to feel the solidness and warmth of his body under the rough fabric of his vest.

“Gai, the last thing I want is to see you die, or make you watch me die,” Kakashi said, his eye searching Gai’s and finding a wealth of emotion in them.  “All this time, after my dad, after Obito and Rin, after Sensei, that was what I was most afraid of.” And that wasn’t easy to admit, even now, maybe especially now that he had to watch Gai’s eyes grow moist. His fingers dug into Gai’s shoulder, his other hand was worrying at the fabric of his pants.  “So I was almost relieved in the end; I thought at least we were spared that.”

“Kakashi…” Gai’s lip wobbled; Kakashi, however, kept smiling.

“But I was wrong. After I died, I saw my father. I told him about you and I realized…” He paused to take a breath. “Losing you hurts either way.”

Gai lunged; there really was no other way to describe it. One moment, Gai was in front of him, the first glittering tear sliding down his cheek, and the next, he was enveloping Kakashi in a bone-crushing embrace and sobbing into his shoulder.

Kakashi let himself melt into the hug, relief flooding his system. Gai smelled sharply of stale sweat and musty dirt; his arms were like steel; still Kakashi found himself hugging back, pressing back against his friend’s body.

He rested his chin on Gai’s shoulder and held on, closing his eye, trying to block everything out but the way Gai’s body felt against his, the way Gai’s breath tickled across the back of his neck and he could almost feel the beat of his friend’s heart through their layers of clothing.

Kakashi knew that their embrace was going on for too long. Gai’s sobs had died down to mildly ragged breathing, and there was something in the air between them. Awareness.  He could feel Gai shifting a little as if he was ready to pull away and clear his throat, to slap Kakashi on the shoulder and walk down into the village, back to life as it used to be.

But Kakashi had _died_ , and if he had learned one thing, it was that at some point, there really would be no going back, no second chance. If he let this opportunity pass, there might not be another one, and Gai would truly become another regret. He didn’t want to let that happen, even if it meant taking a risk.

Kakashi pulled his mask down with two fingers, his other arm still slung around Gai’s waist. He wasn’t about to let go any time soon.

He turned his head a little to get his mouth closer to Gai’s ear. Gai’s skin was damp with sweat, sand and dust sticking to it, and when Kakashi dragged his lips across his cheek, he felt stubble, rough like sandpaper, and he wanted nothing more than to feel that sensation all over his body.

“I’m sick of waiting,” Kakashi whispered, “sick of running from my feelings.”

He pulled back, only far enough to look into Gai’s dark eyes for a moment before leaning in. Tilting his head, he pressed his lips to Gai’s.  

Like his own, Gai’s lips were chapped, rough. Neither of them had brushed their teeth in days, but Kakashi didn’t care.

There had been days when he’d wondered, when he’d been tempted, and every time he had thought, _No, not today, not now; it’s not the right time, not the right moment. Maybe someday…_ And he’d held himself back, thinking it was better that way, that some time would come when it would be easier, more right somehow, when there wouldn’t be a war, missions, _death_ looming.

He’d been an idiot.

The kiss was far from perfect in many ways, and yet, to Kakashi, it was perfect the moment Gai made a small, surprised noise in the back of his throat and then kissed back, his lips opening under Kakashi’s, one of his hands coming up to slip around the back of his neck and up into his tangled hair.

* * *

 

They raced each other into the village, Gai insisting on carrying his heavy backpack as a handicap. Kakashi lost anyway. He was too dizzy and happy to really focus on the challenge, and came stumbling to a halt in front of the medical tent seconds after Gai, where, unceremoniously, Ino accepted Gai’s delivery and proceeded to shoo them both away.

“Kurenai-sensei and the baby are asleep; you can come back tomorrow!” she said, and, turning to Chouji as soon as she thought they were out of earshot, added, “sheesh, what _is_ it with those two?”

* * *

 

They were lucky enough to get a new tent from Kotetsu who’d taken over distribution for the day and was a little less by the book than his predecessor. “Got a new shipment, take whatever you need,” he said, pointing over his shoulder at the chaotic array of crates and goods behind him. “Plus, support from Suna is scheduled to arrive tomorrow. Things are looking up!”

* * *

 

Even with mats and blankets, the ground was hard and lumpy beneath Kakashi, and it turned out that removing spandex someone had worn for days was a fairly difficult operation if you weren’t willing to destroy it in the process. Kakashi tugged and it snapped back, making Gai hiss and laugh, his voice deep and melodious.

The removal of his own clothes wasn’t much better; they, too, stuck to his sore skin, glued on by dried blood, reminding Kakashi of the fact that he had died in them, that there would be other fights soon, another war. Gai’s hands, though, were warm and gentle, kindling Kakashi’s desire wherever they touched him, driving away all distractions until his clothes lay in a crumpled heap on the ground next to them, and Gai loomed over him, his eyes dark and full of hunger, and when Kakashi pulled him down into a searing kiss, the rest of the world finally dropped away.

* * *

 

In the morning, after a quick and fairly ineffectual cleanup, they went to visit Kurenai and her baby, probably just so Gai could make faces and coo at it, which the baby girl tolerated without fussing even a little.  Kakashi wondered whether that was a good or a bad sign. Maybe it simply meant that the kid, like her mother, had nerves of steel.

He squeezed Kurenai’s hand before he left with Gai, keenly aware of the fact that neither of them was the man she wanted to see and feeling like they should be apologizing for that, but there was nothing to say, so he simply lifted the canvas flap and they stepped into the sunlight, their shoulders bumping.

Around them, the village was buzzing with even more commotion than during the previous days. Kakashi shielded his eye with his hand, looking past the scaffolds, blocks of concrete and workers into the distance, where he spotted a familiar shade of orange.

“Looks like Naruto’s back,” he told Gai, who rewarded him with his trademark pinging grin.

“Then we should go and welcome him!”

“Yeah,” Kakashi said, and they set off towards the edge of the village-in-progress, Kakashi shoving his hands into his pockets and Gai casually slinging an arm around his shoulders, to meet their students and see what the new day would bring.

 

end.


End file.
